As you read on, see which type of partner you’ve attracted in the past or present and which categories you may fit into. I hope it will be something for you to chew on and a good starting point to inspire you to shift.
Feeling supported, seen and heard as a child is the biggest component that sets us up for success. The more certainty and value we have, the more likely we are to choose healthier relationships, friends and jobs, amongst many other things. The less secure and confident we feel, the more flimsy our boundaries are. We then teach the people around us that they can keep stretching those boundaries and we’ll always be there to put up with it.
This may show up in being the emotional caregiver for those around us, in lieu of spending time on ourselves–or feeling unsupported, unheard and under appreciated. And we will allow people into our lives that may not be great, but we put up with them because we don’t feel we have many options.
This applies to all our connections—our employer, our family, friends and lover. Relationships will be the focus here but as you read on, think about all the people in your life, past and present, the dynamics and where you feel the most unsettled.
When we grow up in a family that doesn’t outwardly shower us with love, affection and value, we will have a tendency to jump in with the first partner who shows us any amount of attention—or run far away from a relationship so we aren’t vulnerable. It’s not that our families are purposefully ignoring our basic needs; they were doing the best they could with what was passed on from their family and personal experiences. It’s what I call “emotionally genetic”.
In our emotionless family there probably wasn’t even screaming and yelling or outwardly making you feel bad about yourself. But the quietness was still far from encouragement, love and worthiness.
Maybe no one discussed their feelings towards each other or you. Or when they did talk, there may have been unreal expectations for you to meet in your personal life or education. Perhaps their goal for you was to attend to others’ needs. Or maybe you were given no direction at all. I’ve also seen parents so wrapped up in their own shit that they didn’t have the bandwidth to support their children.
Regardless of how your family related and expressed themselves, the bottom line is the love, comfort and support wasn’t obvious.
It’s an innate human desire to be heard and loved so when we don’t hear it often, we feel like we aren’t worthy of love. We will also feel that shutting down and walling up is normal behavior that we will begin to include as part of our relationships.
We then unconsciously seek love and validation in others (or work) to fill the void. By choosing a relationship because we desperate for love, we essentially become co-dependent.
When we come from a place of feeling less-than, we will in turn attract (and put up with) a partner who fills the void and makes us feel love. Many times it’s in a twisted dynamic, mirroring the silent chaos at home.
Even if it’s a half-assed relationship we are in, we think it’s somewhat normal as it mirrors our childhood experience—or even slightly better than what we’ve experienced. It begins to set the pattern of non-deservability we often walk with for decades.
This can cause our relationships to look several ways:
- Lacking communication and emotions (similar to your family so it feels normal to you)
- The “fixers upper”; you give and they take (giving makes you feel useful and like you earned love)
- Falsely confident; they seem like they have their shit together on the surface but they’re deeply insecure because they also grew up in a harsh environment
- Physically or verbally abusive; which you’ll stay for because abandonment feels scarier that putting up with it
- The life of the party; if I make everyone laugh, they will love me and I’ll feel better about myself
- The overachiever; validated when accomplishing goals, essentially earning love and striving to keep achieving. Doing=love.
- The underachiever; why bother to try when I’ll never get validated by what I do
- They may even be as big of a caretaker as you are; both giving everything without taking the time for individual needs.
This isn’t just about the other person. We likely have aspects of some of these archetypes. I can identify where I still have two of these elements lurking even though I have an amazing relationship. So do they ever completely go away? I think they just come into balance.
How do we change these patterns? It starts with realizing them. What type of partners have you attracted? Take a look at the past as it’s so much easier to analyze that a current relationship. What were the glaring issues then? What did you argue about? How did you connect? How were they similar to childhood experiences? How did being with that person make you feel? What was the dominant feeling you had in that relationship that tied into anger, fear or sadness? Not being good enough?
Relationships are meant for tremendous soul growth. Their purpose is to bring to the light all the patterns and thoughts within yourself. This makes these sleeping behaviors more obvious and therefore easier to work on.
You were born with value. You never needed to prove it. You never needed validation. But it’s become something that we all face because our society of lack is constantly being passed down to the next generation. What if we stopped that cycle? What if we encouraged our loved ones without them having to do anything in return? What if we saw ourselves as valid, strong and capable?
You have the ability to shift your boundaries into firm non-negotiables. You don’t need to be what you were taught.
We just love love. It’s fascinating that we have such an innate desire to know what the future holds when it comes to relationships. I’ve never asked a psychic about what my friendships would look like in 5 years but I’ve had plenty of readings in my earlier years about who Mr. Right was. I get a lot of client questions about partnerships during my sessions so here’s what I’ve learned over the years:
Nothing is set in stone. Ever. Especially when it comes to relationships. Why? Because you are constantly making decisions with your free will. A potential partner is doing the same. Your life’s movie script and it’s actors were not written out before you were born.
Reading your energy is easy but when you’re involving another person and all their future choices, it offers many variables. There are so many maybes and forks in the road. But that’s what is so cool about this journey…the ability to choose your experiences! If everything was predetermined before this lifetime that would defeat the purpose of your time on this planet. I will say that there are pre-probable events and people you will likely meet, but it depends on your choices and therefore your need to connect with them. Simply put, you may call in different people because you’ve already learned or taught the lessons that they would otherwise provide.
Think about the relationships you’ve had. Occasionally there’s that deep connection or feeling that you’ve met someone before or they’ve been a life-changing catalyst for you. This is someone you were likely going to connect with in this life. A pre-probable relationship that took form.
With hundreds of readings under my belt, I’ve gathered that there is never just one soulmate. You aren’t born with that one person you have to search out. There should be no fear around who, where and when that person is because there are many options for you, depending on your ever-changing path. It also can’t be forgotten that just because you are no longer with a certain partner, it doesn’t mean that they weren’t right for you. You were actually perfect for each other, which is why you attracted one another. But both of you grew and moved through the need to continue the relationship.
Last year I did a reading for a guy who was in a relationship but I ultimately saw that ending. I saw specific details about his next partner, down to the a name and physical description. Months later he called saying his relationship did indeed fall apart but he ended up choosing to go back. He was wondering where that future woman was that I predicted. His decision to go back to his ex was never in the likely future I saw. His decision felt like a curveball. The future woman I saw didn’t feel necessary anymore because he ultimately made choices which called in a different experience.
I’ve also seen partners who do manifest into my client’s and friend’s lives. The short duration of some of these relationships have made me realize that you may attract a partner for mutual soul growth but might not be meant to stay together for this lifetime.
How are you creating what comes to you? When you have a thought it creates a vibration. That vibe gains momentum and creates a point of attraction. So you’ll be attracting partners based upon what you are experiencing and thinking. Whatever I see (or any other intuitive) is the probable future; you’re current energy, it’s trajectory and the likelihood of it remaining the same.
Ultimately you have control over what your future looks like. How empowering, right? But the worries of the what, where and how’s that you push into your future relationships are actually a big part of why it’s not lining up for you. I can show you how to align your thoughts and therefore bring in the right partner for you. You’ll be able to remove the blocks that are keeping them just outside your awareness. You’ll be able to write the script for your future.
Have you ever wondered why one person in the same family gets a disease, chronic illness or cancer while the others stay healthy? Or how the healthiest person you know is then plagued with multiple illnesses? By the age of 40, 95% of adults will have the Epstein-Barr Virus, but why is it that only a very small percentage will ever show symptoms? I believe that illness can be from several sources: genetics, environment, diet, nutrition and your dominate thought patterns. I also believe that much of the time these potential illness sources lay dormant until the months or years of repeated imbalanced thoughts and emotions trigger them. Unless you consciously recognize, process and release your emotions of fear, anger or sadness, they are stored in your cell tissue. This can block energy flow, compromise the immune system and create physical symptoms.
I have come to find that most people don’t realize what their thought patterns are after so many years of repeating them. We get stuck in a cycle where it is difficult to recognize these beliefs in order to even begin to process and release them. Ailments and pain are the last resources to get our attention so we can see that changes need to be made in our lives. The severity of the illness mirrors how loudly we need to listen to the guidance. Instead of viewing disease as an endless cycle you are sentenced to, try to see it as an amazing tool that helps us remain balanced, whole and mindful as we make our way through this lifetime. Illness may literally bring is to our knees, but it’s in those times that we can surrender and hear guidance the most clearly.
We all know that it’s essential to understand our worth and feel good about ourselves, so why do so many of us lack confidence? Why do we put others’ needs before our own? Self-esteem is one of those funny things that we are taught as children to be strong in, but to not have too much of. Many outside sources have the ability to help form our thoughts of self-worth, from families to relationships, so it can be difficult to maintain a solid sense of who we are and what we deserve. Having healthy self-esteem is about setting boundaries and speaking your truth. And knowing how wonderful you are because you can feel it, not based on what some else tells you.
I strongly believe that everything in life comes down to what you believe your value is: The partner you pick, the friends you keep, the job you choose, how well you’re paid and how you approach your health. It’s balancing your needs with the responsibilities to work and other people. If you are always taking care of others, what is that telling your spirit about your boundaries and how you expect to be treated? What kind of relationships are you then manifesting with those beliefs?
It makes us feel good to be helpful and wanted, but in excess, it is eventually to our detriment when we finally realize that we are exhausted. How do you know when you’re self-esteem and responsibilities are out of balance? Your emotions are amazing barometers that simply reflect your thoughts.
Coming into your own power is far from selfish. It’s having the courage to own who you are: a confident, self-assured spirit who expects to be respected and treated fairly. It’s knowing what you like and what you won’t put up with. And not letting your worth be determined by another.
What would you do if you had all the time and resources to accomplish it? Do it! Take some regular time alone for whatever hobby you enjoy and get it on the calendar as a regular event that can’t be scheduled over or canceled. The goal here is to find your individuality. You already know what you’re like as the giver, the go-to person, the ultra-dependable one and the caretaker. Take time to reflect on who you are without a partner or responsibilities. Find your worth through personal experiences and things you enjoy rather than through other people. How will you allow people to treat you? What boundaries will you create? Find that inner strength, that knowing, that connection to the divine that encourages us to all be incredible individuals who are powerful standing on our own two feet.
As our summer months come to a close, it is a great time to reevaluate where you are at emotionally. Fall evokes those feelings of comfort and hibernation and is an excellent time to sit quietly and discover what your needs are. We are so busy caring for others that we neglect the most important person. I encourage you to tap into you intuition and see what your needs are.
One of the easiest ways we can uncover divine information is by being quiet, calm and mindful. Most clients tell me that it’s hard for them to sit and meditate for a long stretch of time and I understand that. Though doing so has tremendous benefits, I find snippets of time throughout my entire day so my mindset is always more calm than chaotic. All those moments add up to a healthy block of time.
When we practice mindfulness, we are essentially being very aware to whatever is happening in that moment. We are no longer worried about yesterday or this morning; we aren’t projecting worry about tomorrow; we are just here in this moment of time. Being creative is a great way to find a mindful, intuitive state. Whether it’s painting, gardening or taking a walk through nature, all of these activities allow the logical left side of the brain to simply chill out for a while.
Intuition and divine guidance are abundant and always available when you are ready to tap in. When an interesting and unprovoked idea comes into your mind, pay attention. Stop second guessing your guidance by calling it a coincidence. Also be open to inspiration showing up in a different form that you expect. Which ever way you can best find yourself in that mindful state, just keep doing it. It gets easier to slip into those moments of clarity and stay there longer.